Temper, Temper

How ‘busy’ shirts can be compared to the Japanese pufferfish

Fugu, the poisonous pufferfish, is one of the legends of Japanese cuisine.  This innocuous-looking fish packs a toxin that paralyses anyone who ingests it whilst simultaneously asphyxiating them, leaving them fully conscious as they suffocate to death.  There is no known antidote.  Only a specially licensed chef, who has undergone years of rigorous training, is able to prepare the fish in such a way that the toxin is safely removed without contaminating the edible parts.  This is a bit of a faff, of course, and the only reason why the Japanese are willing to endure the process is because fugu is quite the delicacy.

I’m illustrating this fascinating snippet here rather than in the National Geographic to make a point about shirts with ‘busy’ patterns – namely, that something potentially toxic and horrifying like the fugu can be made safe and even quite pleasant.  But rather than training for three years (seriously) to render such shirts safe, I will teach you how to do so in three minutes (approximately) through a process I call ‘tempering’.

The shirts I’m referring to are not necessarily loud, but they have a pattern of small pieces that confuse the eye, throwing it off so that it doesn’t know where to look.  This breaks up your outline, which is not what you want.  Patterns like clearly defined stripes have no such problems: following the lines of the shirt, the eye can make sense of them.  This blue paisley shirt below, from Ben Sherman, is an example of what I mean.  And before you shout, “I can see his outline perfectly well from here!” consider the shirt in normal, detailed surroundings.  Imagine this man disappearing into the background at a party, like some static-wearing ninja.

Subtle.

What you need to do is cover most of it up, either by donning a jacket or a waistcoat.  I normally wear waistcoats buttoned up, but with shirts like this I leave it open and wear a skinny black tie (either wool or silk will work well) knotted loosely, with an open collar.  The parts left showing are going to really pop but what you’re wearing over it will stop the pattern from becoming too much and maintain your silhouette.

And when you temper a shirt like this, you need to keep everything else dark and plain.  That means no pocket square if you’re wearing a jacket, no flashy accessories and no torn jeans.  Anything that stands out will be fighting with the shirt for attention.  Your jacket or waistcoat should be charcoal or navy, your jeans (if you’re wearing them) should be indigo and conspicuous, and your shoes should be dark and unremarkable.

Finally, and I really shouldn’t have to say this, but shirts like this will look a lot better with the sleeves rolled up.